Am I dreaming? Am I seeing nothing? My words are useless even if I speak.

My headphones broke.

Up on melancholy hill

The last 2-3 weeks I've been terribly tired, though I probably get much more sleep than most of the world. The problem is probably that I wake up in every few hours and if I do sleep, I see very detailed and abstract dreams that are not exactly good for resting.
This morning my first thought was that I have to check my msn log to see if a really weird conversation really did take place or if I saw it in a dream. And indeed, it had happened. It seemed that I had woken up at 5 AM, opened my computer (like every morning) and then fell back asleep.
About 10 minutes later, I woke up and saw that someone had talked to me in msn. He had said that it's a bit unusual time to be awake. Indeed it was.. I was surprised when I saw the time and told him that I think I'll go back to sleep.
Somehow, it seemed really abstract at morning. It just seemed so weird, that conversation. I was more than half-asleep when I was talking with him...

Into the New World

I want to tell you, even though the sad times have already past
Close your eyes and feel, how you affect my mind, how you attract my gaze.
[...]
I love you, just like this. The longed end of wandering.
I leave behind this world's unending sadness.
Walking the many and unknowable paths, I follow a dim light.
It's something we'll do together to the end, into our new world.

What are you living for?

Tühi tunne on. Ma olen kogu oma elu (well, selle osa, mida mäletan...) oodanud uut Potteri raamatut või filmi ja nüüd.. on see kõik läbi. Mis nüüd?
Kahju on ka sellest, et ma ei tunne peaaegu kedagi, kes oleks sama obsessed Potteri osas, kui mina.
Well, õnneks on mul siiski üks asi veel, mis mulle on saanud lühikese aja jooksul peaaegu sama oluliseks, kui Potter. (:

Jälle teen ma seda, mis on vist osake mu loomusest.. Mõtlen välja suuri plaane sellest, mida kõike ma teen (õmblen kõiksugused kostüüme larpideks ja cosplay'ks, teen amv, proovin luua tantsu jne) ning lõpptulemusena... Kukun ma kokku enne, kui midagi korralikult tehagi jõuan ja kõik plaanid lendavad vastu taevast. Kokkuvõttes vedelen ma lõpuks voodis, suutmata midagi teha.
I.. just.. don't know what to do about it.

***

And as always, I'm too stuck in the past. I miss last year's autumn. I got along with few people much better than I do now.. Well, I really don't talk with them much nowadays.

***

Still up and down.

Masendav tuju jälle. Nägin esinemise fotosid, ma ei olnud ühelgi õige poosiga. Üldse olin näost ära. Samas ma ka ei imesta, kogu see päev oli minu jaoks üsna kohutav.
Lisaks meenuvad mulle jälle vanemad sündmused, nii tugevalt, et hing jäi hetkeks kinni. Ning seda kõike lihtsalt mõndade vanemate postituste lugemisest. Mul on liiga hea mälu selliste asjade meeles pidamises.
The good thing is that I was able to cry.
Nojah.. Ma kujutasin ette, et suudan natuke pikema postituse kirjutada.. so much about that. :]

And laugh light-heartedly...

Hm.. another topic that I lately have been thinking about a lot. It seems that when someone says something funny, I laugh too long, too much... too loud. And in cinema, when a funny scene comes, I laugh too, maybe even too loudly. >_<
But when I'm at home alone and watch some funny series or something, I just register in my head "That's funny." and don't even smirk. When someone's home, I do laugh.. It's almost as if I'm laughing for the public, not for myself.
I wonder if everyone does that or am I the only weirdo.. :]

~*~

I feel too emotionless lately... only tiredness can make me cry, any other time I feel like just an empty shell, doing the daily chores. Oh well.. maybe I will get better when the summer comes.

New beggining.. kind of.

Muutsin blogi addressi... Põhjuseid on mitu, kuid ma ei suuda neid vist sõnastada, vähemalt mitte siin ja praegu. Nüüd on igatahes lootust, et ehk ma ka kirjutan siia aegajalt (väga tihedalt pole seda küll mõtet oodata)
Hm, huvitav oleks teada, kes avastab uuesti tee selle blogini. ^^ Üsna lõbus oleks ka, kui see mitte kellelgi ei õnnestuks, ning kirjutaksin seda vaid endale.
Aga.. praegu pole mul jälle mõtteid, mida kirja panna... mingil põhjusel tulevad need pähe vaid siis, kui olen arvutist kaugel, selleks ajaks, kui lõpuks arvuti lahti teha saan, on mõtted kõik kadunud ja minu sisse on jäänud vaid neutraalsus, ei mingeid tundeid, mida kirja panna. Tundub, et mul läheb vaja mingit sorti tugevaid emotsioone, et blogisse kirjutada, muidu ei suuda... :]

From the depths of my mind

"Little girl, why are you on that road all alone? At the middle of the night! Aren't you cold?" an elderly woman asked. Young girl who looked about 4 years old, dressed in a short green dress and white shoes, looked at her. Her eyes were really big and odd coloured – but the woman really couldn’t understand what colour it was. After all, it was the middle of the night. „I...“ the girl whispered. „I must...“
She closed her mouth. The elderly woman and the young girl looked at each other for a long time, in the middle of the road, few minutes before midnight. There was no moon that night, so it was really dark.
„Dear girl, you can’t just stand there! Where do you live, maybe I could –„
„No!“ Girl’s voice now sounded really mature. „Go!“ she showed to the distance with her little hand.
„But, I can’t just leave you here! It’s dangerous nowadays... Oh, how much easier it was when I was young... Me and my friends often snuck out at night,“ old lady smiled at the very thought. „But now, it’s too dangerous to do that! So please, let me lead you home!“
„Stop it!“ The girl almost screamed. She sounded really miserable. „Just... go... GO!“
„But.. I can’t just...“ the old lady mumbled. She never got a chance to finish her sentence.

***

Nothing extraordinary, just happened to find it somewhere in my mind and scribbled it down.

Once again I end up going to sleep too late. So I thought that I could try to write a blog post atleast. So.. I wonder what I should talk about... I have kind of kept myself away from most people the last few days... weeks... maybe even a month.
When I'm alone, I wish to meet peple, talk to them... When I finally talk with them, I want to get away and be by myself. It makes things a bit complicated.

I have thought about one thing for quite a long time now - why does it almost seem that I'm forcing myself to be depressed?
I finally got an answer, or so it seems...
I could make myself happier. So I would feel normal. But.. I don't want normal. Normal mood is... Gray, annoyingly dull feeling... Like being in a thick fog. I really dont want it.
When I'm depressed, then I can feel sadness, and that's way better, than feeling practically nothing.

...and I know I couldn't just force myself to be really happy...

***

It's actually quite funny, how people have started to act now that they have heard about the inflammation in my jaw. They act like I might die any minute... "Are you sure you don't want to rest?" "So you can come on monday, if you don't feel too tired." I mean.. yes, it's quite serious. But it's not like... It's... I have had it for almost nine years, according to the doctors. I have been capable of being in hard ballet lessons, I didn't have to rest back then. I didn't die. Not even close to it. So why the special treatment now?

You are hopeful and then you regret, it always is the same.

Milleks lubada midagi, mida täide viia ei suudeta?
Sa lubasid, et sina ei ole selline. Et sina ei käituks iialgi nii. Ning ma tõepoolest juba lootsin seda.
Nojah. Võib-olla sa ei saanud seda kontrollida. Kuid lõpptulemusena oled sa täpselt samasugune, nagu see isik, keda põlgad. Õnnitlused.
Ma ei ole isegi enam vihane. Lihtsalt... pettunud. Ma suudan järjest vähem inimesi usaldada, eriti neid, kes nii käituvad.

*~*

Ma tahaksin kohtuda inimestega, kes mind üldse ei tunne. Kelle silmis ma saaksin luua uue "pildi" endast, ettevaatlikult valides sõnu.
See on vist üheks põhjuseks, miks ma mõnedes foorumites käimise lõpetasin. Mind häiris, kui palju nad minust, mu käitumisest teadsid. Selleks oli üks *köhh* isik *köhh* muidugi ka abiks. Aitäh.
Kuna tõesti... mul on kõrini sellest, kes olin paar aastat tagasi. Ma pole enam see ning mul on tunne nagu mind sunnitaks selle vana käitumismalli juurde lihtsalt sellepärast, et minult seda oodatakse...
Ma olen rohkem kui rahul, et foorumites, kus ma praegu käin, mind peaaegu üldse ei tunta, isegi vanust ei teata. Olgu, ühes neist siiski vanust teatakse.
Mõnes mõttes on mul tunne, et tahaksin jätta kogu oma praeguse elu, kolida mõnele teisele maale ja end täiesti uuesti luua, kohata uusi inimesi ja neile enda varasemast elust üldse mitte rääkida.

*~*

Võib-olla kaotan ma selle blogi ära. Mulle tundub, et on vale enda praeguseid mõtteid nii avalikku kohta üles paisata. See on nagu... Väga isikliku päeviku lauanurgale jätmine.

Why can't I see what's in front of me?

Kui kuulan laule, mida kuulasin kõige enam selle aasta varakevadest suve alguseni, tekivad mul kohutavad külmavärinad. Mulle meenub kõik mida sel ajal tundsin ja mõtlesin. Ma ei taha seda aega enam kunagi tagasi. Ma tean, et mõnes mõttes on mu olukord hetkel isegi hullem, kuna tean rohkem, aga...

On other topic... Pärast pikka haigusperioodi lähen ma nüüd lõpuks pärast talvevaheaega balletikooli tagasi. Ma loodan, et ma teistest väga palju maha pole jäänud. That wouldn't be fun at all...

*~*

Mul on tekkinud viimase aja jooksul tekkinud palju mõttekilde, kuid kildudeks need vaid jäävadki. Ma ei suuda kaugemale mõelda ja ma ei tea miks... Ning blogi on mõttetu kirjutada kui su mõte vaid paari lause pikkune on.

*~*

Uus aasta? Jälle? Alles tuli ju 2010... Ja 2009...
Ma ei salli uusaasta pidustusi. Nagu ka jõule. Kogu see lõbusus, sugulastega kokkusaamine, tundub nii võlts. Kui inimesed päriselt enda sugulasi näha tahaksid, võiksid nad seda ju ometigi teha ka mõnel muul päeval, mitte kogu maailmaga samal ajal. Ma tean, paljud peavad töötama... Ma mõistan, et kõigil on pidevalt kiire, kuid siiski, mõni vaba päev ehk ikka jääks? Puhkepäevadel kasvõi.
Ka uusaasta õnnitlused tunduvad enamasti nii võltsid ja tobedad. "Head vana aasta lõppu ja head uue aasta algust!" Ning niimoodi kümnetele inimestele...

*~*

Nevermind me, mul on lihtsalt terve maailma kallal virisemise tuju.