Shadows

Okay, enough of that. I am sick and tired of always stomping myself onto the ground. I have my mistakes and I am shitty enough not to take care of them, but even then, I am not half that bad. In fact, I might even be pretty awesome every once in a while.
And every once in a while, it's the other people that are shitty and self-absorbed and do their best to blame me, so they wouldn't have to think about their own problems. So I have been constantly taking that damage, just to hold onto friendships. But obviously friendships don't really stay that way either, so I don't see any point in always trying to find the fault in me.
I think I broke off two relationships with people I really cared about this week. Oh well.

Now let's hope this self-positivity will stay with me for a while.

Short stories

It’s interesting. Missing someone or something.
You think that talking to someone about that someone or something would make things whole again and for a second it might even really seem so, it’s presence still there, but then you suddenly find yourself disconnected. It’s not the same. Listening to the music isn’t the same. Remembering things is useless.
How could things turn out like this in the matter of weeks, even days actually?

***

But you never know which one is it this time.
There are times where you are not sure if you should help someone, delve into their psychology and understand their thoughts. They will be so disappointed if you do nothing. Do you not care about them? Did you not notice the signs? You failed to pass a test.
And sometimes it feels like a person might want you to notice them unable to deal with things, clawing around in pain. You think you see the signs. You are sure that if you are just there for them, things will work out. Well... why the fuck are you so fucking nosy all the fucking time?! Keep to yourself, they are fine, there is no help needed! They will deal with the pain themselves. And you are a disgustingly curious person, always putting your nose where it shouldn't be, wanting to know other people's secrets. Wanting to help. Jesus, get a life, will you?!

I feel.. empty, I can't seem to be able to talk to people anymore. I don't know what to say, I am afraid that I might say something wrong or insult someone. And I feel like everything has already been talked about, there's nothing left.
So I just sit there and smile awkwardly... I also seem to have developed a concentrating disorder and I can't notice everything everyone around me says... so often, there are situations in which I just "smile and nod", hoping that this is the right thing to do.
Uff.. and I feel guilty because I ask people to spend time with me and then I am such a terrible conversationalist.
Some of it is probably from tiredness, I haven't slept much in the last few days and the "symptoms" are probably more noticeable then. I can't fall asleep until morning and if I do, I see terrible dreams that barely let me sleep.

Um.. alright. That's it for now.

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GAAH. Ma ei jaksa enam. Enam? Jälle.
Mul on raske kirjutada, sest mõtted tulevad vaid ratsionaalsuse kadumisega ning need hetked on üürikesed. Hetkel.. vist.. pole ma väga ratsionaalne. Huvitav, kaua see kestab.
Mõtlesin selle postituse tõlkida ümber hexadecimal'i, kuid jätan selle vist nii. Las olla. Vahet pole. On küll.
Te olete kõik kadunud. Te kõik, keda ma kunagi usaldasin.. ning mina pole suuteline teist nii kergelt lahti laskma.
Ilmselgelt pole ma keegi, kellega oleks kerge suhelda. Kuid kunagi te ju nõustusite seda tegema?
Ma vajaksin kohutavalt kedagi, kellega nii vabalt suhelda, nagu ma seda teiega sain. Vajaksin nii emotsionaalset kui ka füüsilist lähedust.. viimases annab vist kohati süüdistada ka hormoone, eh.
Oleks vähemalt ükski teist veel alles.. idee poolest ju olete, kuid teist on tunda külmust ja huvipuudust. Ja nõnda kaotan mina suutlikuse teid usaldada.
Idee poolest on tekkinud uued inimesed, kes vist oleksid nõus olema mulle sõbraks. Aga ma ei suuda ega taha neid endale lähedale lasta. Pealegi tõestavad nad ikka ja jälle, et tegelikult ei ole nad sellisena sõber olemiseks, nagu mina seda vajaksin, veel valmis. Mulle loengu pidamine selle kohta, kuidas terve püsida ja kuidas sinu sõber töö ning kooliga hakkama saab, ei aita.. ning mul tekib kohene tõkestus sinu sõbraks laskmise osas. Siiski oled sa veel liiga väike...
Ratsionaalne mõtlemine on tagasi ja keelab mul edasi kirjutada. Las siis hetkel olla.
Kui veider, hetkel pole jäänud enam alles kedagi, kellega ma teaksin, et võin igapäevaselt rääkida.. aga ma igatsen seda, väga. Enda mõtete, tähelepanekute jagamine, inimeste analüüsimine..

Among other unfinished posts

Ma olen jälle mures... Ma pole enda iseloomuomadustega rahul. Ometigi ei oska/taha ma ka ennast nii palju muuta, et oleksin selline, nagu minu meelest sobilik oleks.
Viimasel ajal olen nimelt hakanud mõtlema, kas mitte põhjus, miks paljud minuga lähemal tutvumisel "põgenevad", pole see, et ma olen mõnes mõttes... väga, väga obnoxious. "Spoilt kid" tüüpi. Ma teen seda küll pigem naljana, kuid see hakkab järjest muutuma üheks mu iseloomu osaks... ja ma kardan, et see ei meeldi inimestele, kellega suhtlen. Ma kardan, et ajan nad enda juurest ära, kuna nemad ei võta seda naljana ja... oeh.
I... am not sure if it was a right idea to write anything here after all. I can't finish my thoughts in here. That's why I stopped blogging at first, wasn't it?


May 31st


I wrote about it somewhere else and I managed to describe much it better.. well, after all, this time it was meant only for me so I didn't feel so restricted.
"Kommenteerisin ming hetk, et tundub, et seal pargis on põhiliselt wannabe lolita tibid, kelle järel veetakse siis nende poisse kes on enam-vähem kästud sinna tulema. Lisasin, et nad on umbes sama käskivad nagu mina. Naljaga. Rauno nõustus.. oeh. I guess I am pretty ordering? :/ Jama.
Väsisin ära ja lõpuks hakkasime Sonjaga minema. Vajusin kohutavalt ära, kuna see asi hakkas kummitama.
Tulid mõtted, et võib-olla see ongi üks põhjus, miks paljud inimesed minuga suhtlemise lõpetavad. Kuna ma olen väga käsutav ja.. noh, obnoxious. Seda viimast teen ma pigem naljana ja ma olen seda vist osalt Sunnylt üle võtnud, kuna see on ju nunnu, kui tema seda teeb.. aga võib-olla teen ma seda liialt üle ja inimesed arvavad, et olengi põhiliselt selline? Oeh. Selline "spoilt kid" tüüpi."