Slightly insane

Wanna join me, come and play.
But I might shoot you, in your face.
Bombs and bullets will, do the trick.
What we need here, is a little bit of panic!

Do you ever wanna catch me?
Right now I'm feeling ignored!
So can you try a little harder?
I'm really getting bored!

Come on, shoot faster,
Just a little bit of energy!
I wanna try something fun right now,
I guess some people call it anarchy!

Maybe I should start writing again.

Silence

Absolutely nothing seems to have a point anymore.

Shadows

Okay, enough of that. I am sick and tired of always stomping myself onto the ground. I have my mistakes and I am shitty enough not to take care of them, but even then, I am not half that bad. In fact, I might even be pretty awesome every once in a while.
And every once in a while, it's the other people that are shitty and self-absorbed and do their best to blame me, so they wouldn't have to think about their own problems. So I have been constantly taking that damage, just to hold onto friendships. But obviously friendships don't really stay that way either, so I don't see any point in always trying to find the fault in me.
I think I broke off two relationships with people I really cared about this week. Oh well.

Now let's hope this self-positivity will stay with me for a while.

Short stories

It’s interesting. Missing someone or something.
You think that talking to someone about that someone or something would make things whole again and for a second it might even really seem so, it’s presence still there, but then you suddenly find yourself disconnected. It’s not the same. Listening to the music isn’t the same. Remembering things is useless.
How could things turn out like this in the matter of weeks, even days actually?

***

But you never know which one is it this time.
There are times where you are not sure if you should help someone, delve into their psychology and understand their thoughts. They will be so disappointed if you do nothing. Do you not care about them? Did you not notice the signs? You failed to pass a test.
And sometimes it feels like a person might want you to notice them unable to deal with things, clawing around in pain. You think you see the signs. You are sure that if you are just there for them, things will work out. Well... why the fuck are you so fucking nosy all the fucking time?! Keep to yourself, they are fine, there is no help needed! They will deal with the pain themselves. And you are a disgustingly curious person, always putting your nose where it shouldn't be, wanting to know other people's secrets. Wanting to help. Jesus, get a life, will you?!

I feel.. empty, I can't seem to be able to talk to people anymore. I don't know what to say, I am afraid that I might say something wrong or insult someone. And I feel like everything has already been talked about, there's nothing left.
So I just sit there and smile awkwardly... I also seem to have developed a concentrating disorder and I can't notice everything everyone around me says... so often, there are situations in which I just "smile and nod", hoping that this is the right thing to do.
Uff.. and I feel guilty because I ask people to spend time with me and then I am such a terrible conversationalist.
Some of it is probably from tiredness, I haven't slept much in the last few days and the "symptoms" are probably more noticeable then. I can't fall asleep until morning and if I do, I see terrible dreams that barely let me sleep.

Um.. alright. That's it for now.

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GAAH. Ma ei jaksa enam. Enam? Jälle.
Mul on raske kirjutada, sest mõtted tulevad vaid ratsionaalsuse kadumisega ning need hetked on üürikesed. Hetkel.. vist.. pole ma väga ratsionaalne. Huvitav, kaua see kestab.
Mõtlesin selle postituse tõlkida ümber hexadecimal'i, kuid jätan selle vist nii. Las olla. Vahet pole. On küll.
Te olete kõik kadunud. Te kõik, keda ma kunagi usaldasin.. ning mina pole suuteline teist nii kergelt lahti laskma.
Ilmselgelt pole ma keegi, kellega oleks kerge suhelda. Kuid kunagi te ju nõustusite seda tegema?
Ma vajaksin kohutavalt kedagi, kellega nii vabalt suhelda, nagu ma seda teiega sain. Vajaksin nii emotsionaalset kui ka füüsilist lähedust.. viimases annab vist kohati süüdistada ka hormoone, eh.
Oleks vähemalt ükski teist veel alles.. idee poolest ju olete, kuid teist on tunda külmust ja huvipuudust. Ja nõnda kaotan mina suutlikuse teid usaldada.
Idee poolest on tekkinud uued inimesed, kes vist oleksid nõus olema mulle sõbraks. Aga ma ei suuda ega taha neid endale lähedale lasta. Pealegi tõestavad nad ikka ja jälle, et tegelikult ei ole nad sellisena sõber olemiseks, nagu mina seda vajaksin, veel valmis. Mulle loengu pidamine selle kohta, kuidas terve püsida ja kuidas sinu sõber töö ning kooliga hakkama saab, ei aita.. ning mul tekib kohene tõkestus sinu sõbraks laskmise osas. Siiski oled sa veel liiga väike...
Ratsionaalne mõtlemine on tagasi ja keelab mul edasi kirjutada. Las siis hetkel olla.
Kui veider, hetkel pole jäänud enam alles kedagi, kellega ma teaksin, et võin igapäevaselt rääkida.. aga ma igatsen seda, väga. Enda mõtete, tähelepanekute jagamine, inimeste analüüsimine..