From the depths of my mind

"Little girl, why are you on that road all alone? At the middle of the night! Aren't you cold?" an elderly woman asked. Young girl who looked about 4 years old, dressed in a short green dress and white shoes, looked at her. Her eyes were really big and odd coloured – but the woman really couldn’t understand what colour it was. After all, it was the middle of the night. „I...“ the girl whispered. „I must...“
She closed her mouth. The elderly woman and the young girl looked at each other for a long time, in the middle of the road, few minutes before midnight. There was no moon that night, so it was really dark.
„Dear girl, you can’t just stand there! Where do you live, maybe I could –„
„No!“ Girl’s voice now sounded really mature. „Go!“ she showed to the distance with her little hand.
„But, I can’t just leave you here! It’s dangerous nowadays... Oh, how much easier it was when I was young... Me and my friends often snuck out at night,“ old lady smiled at the very thought. „But now, it’s too dangerous to do that! So please, let me lead you home!“
„Stop it!“ The girl almost screamed. She sounded really miserable. „Just... go... GO!“
„But.. I can’t just...“ the old lady mumbled. She never got a chance to finish her sentence.

***

Nothing extraordinary, just happened to find it somewhere in my mind and scribbled it down.

Once again I end up going to sleep too late. So I thought that I could try to write a blog post atleast. So.. I wonder what I should talk about... I have kind of kept myself away from most people the last few days... weeks... maybe even a month.
When I'm alone, I wish to meet peple, talk to them... When I finally talk with them, I want to get away and be by myself. It makes things a bit complicated.

I have thought about one thing for quite a long time now - why does it almost seem that I'm forcing myself to be depressed?
I finally got an answer, or so it seems...
I could make myself happier. So I would feel normal. But.. I don't want normal. Normal mood is... Gray, annoyingly dull feeling... Like being in a thick fog. I really dont want it.
When I'm depressed, then I can feel sadness, and that's way better, than feeling practically nothing.

...and I know I couldn't just force myself to be really happy...

***

It's actually quite funny, how people have started to act now that they have heard about the inflammation in my jaw. They act like I might die any minute... "Are you sure you don't want to rest?" "So you can come on monday, if you don't feel too tired." I mean.. yes, it's quite serious. But it's not like... It's... I have had it for almost nine years, according to the doctors. I have been capable of being in hard ballet lessons, I didn't have to rest back then. I didn't die. Not even close to it. So why the special treatment now?