When I'm alone, I wish to meet peple, talk to them... When I finally talk with them, I want to get away and be by myself. It makes things a bit complicated.
I have thought about one thing for quite a long time now - why does it almost seem that I'm forcing myself to be depressed?
I finally got an answer, or so it seems...
I could make myself happier. So I would feel normal. But.. I don't want normal. Normal mood is... Gray, annoyingly dull feeling... Like being in a thick fog. I really dont want it.
When I'm depressed, then I can feel sadness, and that's way better, than feeling practically nothing.
...and I know I couldn't just force myself to be really happy...
***
It's actually quite funny, how people have started to act now that they have heard about the inflammation in my jaw. They act like I might die any minute... "Are you sure you don't want to rest?" "So you can come on monday, if you don't feel too tired." I mean.. yes, it's quite serious. But it's not like... It's... I have had it for almost nine years, according to the doctors. I have been capable of being in hard ballet lessons, I didn't have to rest back then. I didn't die. Not even close to it. So why the special treatment now?
4 comments:
Tija-Mare,
Sa ei tunne mind, aga tahtsin Sulle öelda, et lugesin läbi Su blogi ja et Sa kirjutad sümpaatselt ja elad oma elu ka sümpaatselt. Mulle meeldivad inimesed, kes töötavad sõrmed (sinu puhul pigem varbad) luuni, et teenida oma ettekujutust ilust. ("You haven't felt pain until you've walked in a dancer's shoes"- Anonymous)
Ja mulle tundub ka, et inimesed võiksid rohkem teistele inimestele (võõrastele) öelda midagi head, kui on põhjust. Nii et siis praktiseerisin.
(Ja kui Sind peaks huvitama, kuidas ma Su mõtteharutused leidsin, siis ma tunnen Ilmarit ja Martinit ja olen neilt Sinust kuulnud.)
Ilusat päeva, kirsikirp!
Merike
Aitäh heade sõnade eest. Sinuga oleks tore tuttavaks saada. (:
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Misasi sul on?
Põletik lõualuus (tõenäoliselt küsisid sa selle kohta?).
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