From the depths of my mind

"Little girl, why are you on that road all alone? At the middle of the night! Aren't you cold?" an elderly woman asked. Young girl who looked about 4 years old, dressed in a short green dress and white shoes, looked at her. Her eyes were really big and odd coloured – but the woman really couldn’t understand what colour it was. After all, it was the middle of the night. „I...“ the girl whispered. „I must...“
She closed her mouth. The elderly woman and the young girl looked at each other for a long time, in the middle of the road, few minutes before midnight. There was no moon that night, so it was really dark.
„Dear girl, you can’t just stand there! Where do you live, maybe I could –„
„No!“ Girl’s voice now sounded really mature. „Go!“ she showed to the distance with her little hand.
„But, I can’t just leave you here! It’s dangerous nowadays... Oh, how much easier it was when I was young... Me and my friends often snuck out at night,“ old lady smiled at the very thought. „But now, it’s too dangerous to do that! So please, let me lead you home!“
„Stop it!“ The girl almost screamed. She sounded really miserable. „Just... go... GO!“
„But.. I can’t just...“ the old lady mumbled. She never got a chance to finish her sentence.

***

Nothing extraordinary, just happened to find it somewhere in my mind and scribbled it down.

Once again I end up going to sleep too late. So I thought that I could try to write a blog post atleast. So.. I wonder what I should talk about... I have kind of kept myself away from most people the last few days... weeks... maybe even a month.
When I'm alone, I wish to meet peple, talk to them... When I finally talk with them, I want to get away and be by myself. It makes things a bit complicated.

I have thought about one thing for quite a long time now - why does it almost seem that I'm forcing myself to be depressed?
I finally got an answer, or so it seems...
I could make myself happier. So I would feel normal. But.. I don't want normal. Normal mood is... Gray, annoyingly dull feeling... Like being in a thick fog. I really dont want it.
When I'm depressed, then I can feel sadness, and that's way better, than feeling practically nothing.

...and I know I couldn't just force myself to be really happy...

***

It's actually quite funny, how people have started to act now that they have heard about the inflammation in my jaw. They act like I might die any minute... "Are you sure you don't want to rest?" "So you can come on monday, if you don't feel too tired." I mean.. yes, it's quite serious. But it's not like... It's... I have had it for almost nine years, according to the doctors. I have been capable of being in hard ballet lessons, I didn't have to rest back then. I didn't die. Not even close to it. So why the special treatment now?

You are hopeful and then you regret, it always is the same.

Milleks lubada midagi, mida täide viia ei suudeta?
Sa lubasid, et sina ei ole selline. Et sina ei käituks iialgi nii. Ning ma tõepoolest juba lootsin seda.
Nojah. Võib-olla sa ei saanud seda kontrollida. Kuid lõpptulemusena oled sa täpselt samasugune, nagu see isik, keda põlgad. Õnnitlused.
Ma ei ole isegi enam vihane. Lihtsalt... pettunud. Ma suudan järjest vähem inimesi usaldada, eriti neid, kes nii käituvad.

*~*

Ma tahaksin kohtuda inimestega, kes mind üldse ei tunne. Kelle silmis ma saaksin luua uue "pildi" endast, ettevaatlikult valides sõnu.
See on vist üheks põhjuseks, miks ma mõnedes foorumites käimise lõpetasin. Mind häiris, kui palju nad minust, mu käitumisest teadsid. Selleks oli üks *köhh* isik *köhh* muidugi ka abiks. Aitäh.
Kuna tõesti... mul on kõrini sellest, kes olin paar aastat tagasi. Ma pole enam see ning mul on tunne nagu mind sunnitaks selle vana käitumismalli juurde lihtsalt sellepärast, et minult seda oodatakse...
Ma olen rohkem kui rahul, et foorumites, kus ma praegu käin, mind peaaegu üldse ei tunta, isegi vanust ei teata. Olgu, ühes neist siiski vanust teatakse.
Mõnes mõttes on mul tunne, et tahaksin jätta kogu oma praeguse elu, kolida mõnele teisele maale ja end täiesti uuesti luua, kohata uusi inimesi ja neile enda varasemast elust üldse mitte rääkida.

*~*

Võib-olla kaotan ma selle blogi ära. Mulle tundub, et on vale enda praeguseid mõtteid nii avalikku kohta üles paisata. See on nagu... Väga isikliku päeviku lauanurgale jätmine.

Why can't I see what's in front of me?

Kui kuulan laule, mida kuulasin kõige enam selle aasta varakevadest suve alguseni, tekivad mul kohutavad külmavärinad. Mulle meenub kõik mida sel ajal tundsin ja mõtlesin. Ma ei taha seda aega enam kunagi tagasi. Ma tean, et mõnes mõttes on mu olukord hetkel isegi hullem, kuna tean rohkem, aga...

On other topic... Pärast pikka haigusperioodi lähen ma nüüd lõpuks pärast talvevaheaega balletikooli tagasi. Ma loodan, et ma teistest väga palju maha pole jäänud. That wouldn't be fun at all...

*~*

Mul on tekkinud viimase aja jooksul tekkinud palju mõttekilde, kuid kildudeks need vaid jäävadki. Ma ei suuda kaugemale mõelda ja ma ei tea miks... Ning blogi on mõttetu kirjutada kui su mõte vaid paari lause pikkune on.

*~*

Uus aasta? Jälle? Alles tuli ju 2010... Ja 2009...
Ma ei salli uusaasta pidustusi. Nagu ka jõule. Kogu see lõbusus, sugulastega kokkusaamine, tundub nii võlts. Kui inimesed päriselt enda sugulasi näha tahaksid, võiksid nad seda ju ometigi teha ka mõnel muul päeval, mitte kogu maailmaga samal ajal. Ma tean, paljud peavad töötama... Ma mõistan, et kõigil on pidevalt kiire, kuid siiski, mõni vaba päev ehk ikka jääks? Puhkepäevadel kasvõi.
Ka uusaasta õnnitlused tunduvad enamasti nii võltsid ja tobedad. "Head vana aasta lõppu ja head uue aasta algust!" Ning niimoodi kümnetele inimestele...

*~*

Nevermind me, mul on lihtsalt terve maailma kallal virisemise tuju.

Lyrics

Searching for songs that have lyrics to describe my mood. Why? Am I scared of talking with my own words?
Is there anything left to talk about? When there are musical artists, writers, poets and philosophers... It seems that they have already said it all.

My winter storm, holding me awake.
It seems to me that I have some kind of a sleeping disorder... No matter how hard I try, even if I go to sleep at midnight (yes, it's very early to me), I just won't fall asleep before 4 AM... Sometimes 5 AM... Sometimes 6 AM.
I've also tried taking Xanax, sometimes 3 tablets, which is far too big dose for me... And when I finally fall asleep, I see nightmares that won't let me rest.

Like a frightened child I run from the sleep that never comes.
But the hour's still the same, only madness knows my name at 4 o'Clock.
Why can we never go back to bed? Whose is the voice ringing in my head? Where is the sense in these desperate dreams? Why should I wake when I'm half past dead?
Sure as the clock keeps its steady chime, weak as I walk to its steady rhyme...
I've always hated the ticking of the clock. It makes me think about how the time goes further and further and further... and I still won't fall asleep.

Throw your mask away... are you the joker, king or queen?
Almost everybody wears a mask nowadays... To hide sadness, fear, angryness. How many of people you see in school, for an example, are really as happy as they seem? They might be on the edge of killing themselves, but they can remain a calm face outside home.

Phantom voices with no words to follow, at the mercy of the cold and hollow...

Got a secret, can you keep it? Swear this one you'll save. Better lock it in your pocket, taking this one to the grave.
Because two can keep a secret, if one of them is dead.
You swore you'd never tell...
Most people are not capable of keeping secrets.. The temptation of telling is too strong. Gossiping... it's one of the worst sins in my point of view.
Why is it that the most interesting thing to talk about is often other people?

I don't know what I was thinking, there's no sense in girlish dreaming.

The dream that lives inside me won't fade away...
Why?

Morning sun, please turn back time...

How can you be so blind? It's all a grand illusion, a trick.
You're the master in your own mind, but a slave to all...
And you still don't know that.

Find the comfort in the storm.

Her spring is sprung and dances done.
I hope I'll soon be healthy again... Please don't say it's something that bad that I might not be able to dance again.

You are hopeful and then you regret.
Hold your sadness like a puppet.

Every move you make creates your destiny.

Without innocence the cross is only iron, hope is only an illusion and Ocean's Soul is nothing, but a name.
Where have all the feelings gone? Why has all the laughter ceased?
Why am I loved only when I'm gone?
Why are people mostly loved when they're gone?

So much to live for, so much to die for.
Never sigh of a better world. It's already composed, played and told...

Don't look back, until you're free to chase the morning.

How much of it depends on the choices that we make?

A song that someone sings, once upon a december.
Figures dancing gracefully across my memory.
Things my heart used to know, once upon a december.
Last december was quite nice...

When silence evolves into a deafening voice.
I could never say these word to you. I could never doubt the way you do. I could never trace the steps for you. I could never live the way you do.

Gracefully she's circling higher, she has the wind beneath her wings.
I sure got my feathers burned, but I'm stronger than the flames.
You've got to get close to the flame to see what it's made of...

You play the victim very well, you build your self-indulgent hell.
I know three people who act that way...

As she stands by the window alone, staring into the rain.
...captive and blind by the darkness around.
Timeless awaiting for the break of dawn...

I think you were wrong about me, what if you were?
What if I'm an ocean, far too shallow, much too deep?
What if I am the kindest demon, something you may not believe in?

Die Wahrheit ist grausam, drum schenk mir einen Traum.
Oomph! has became very meaningful for me...

Du weißt nicht mehr, wer du bist, dein Spiegelbild hat sich entstellt.

Sie nehmt das letzte Streichholz und verbrennt unsere schöne heile Welt.

...I'll withdrew into my sanctuary of silence.